The Dirt

As I was talking with a friend the other day about her feelings of inadequacy as a mother, I reflected on my own feelings of inadequacy.  I asked myself where do they stem from?  Most of them are from what I believe to be others' perceptions of me and my kids, and the other is of what I feel I "should" be.  

It is so silly to base our worth and greatness as a mother on the actions of our children.  Everyone knows that good parents sometimes have kids that go astray and sometimes bad parents have kids that turn out amazing!  I know this in theory, but it is harder to live by.  Many times, I imagine that others are staring at me and asking why I can't keep my child(ren) in control?  Are they thinking that?  Maybe.  Maybe not.   I am sometimes embarrassed by my children's actions, but should I be?  I really don't know.  

It's funny because you think you are an okay person, and then you get married and all your flaws are magnified ten fold!  Then you finally figure that out and eventually realize that you really are an amazing person, a great wife, and so patient....until the kids come along.  Then all of the sudden, you are the worst parent in the world!  You never know what you're doing, and if what you ARE doing is going to scar your kids for life!  This is the scariest part!  The more I know, the more scared it makes me.  I guess that's why they say that ignorance is bliss :)  

So, my resolve is to stop worrying about what others are thinking about me and to just try to live in the moment and be patient.  I have to wake up each morning and pray for the patience to deal with my kids.  I repeat to myself, I will not yell, I will not yell. I will not yell.  Sometimes it is a success all day.  Most days, not so lucky.   I tend to lose patience, usually around 3:00 or so when we are all going stir crazy and we just need to GET OUT!  This 100 degree weather needs to cool it so we can start going on walks/bike rides again!  

I also have to remind myself that Heavenly Father blesses us with the kids we need to help us, and them grow and learn.  What can I learn from Jackson?  He is so full of energy and sometimes craziness.  Yes, he drives me crazy sometimes, but he is so forgiving of my flaws and impatience and he truly just wants to please others and make them happy.   He can make a friend out of any stranger, and make you laugh until you cry!  So. Like. His. Father.  What a blessing! 

Olivia?  She may be small, but that girl has fire in her for sure!  I knew she would, just not what form it would take.  She is independent and loves to play with her brother.  I believe Heavenly Father blessed me with her because he knew how badly I wanted a girl and since we can't have any more, I feel more complete having her in our family.  She was a test of faith and is a living medical miracle!  What a blessing!

So, there you have it, I may be imperfect, but Heavenly Father has sent me these perfect children to teach me how to get there.  I just hope I can hang in there until then.  Thank heavens I married up!